Difficult Times Ahead

My world. Denise picked up the kids two days ago. We’ve only been away from them for about 3 weeks but it has seemed like an eternity. The changes in both of them are very noticeable. How is it possible for them to grow up so fast? While with them time flies, without them boredom sets in quickly.
The visit will be short. They’ll be heading off to Saipan tomorrow and I’ve got at least a month of recovery here before I can join them. Although definitely challenging at times, after all Morgan is 2 &1/2, these past 3 days have just reinforced what they mean to me. Prior to surgery they we’re definitely the source of the most worry. Thoughts of what would happen to them if I didn’t make it. Thoughts of what I would miss out on if I didn’t pull through or perhaps even worse thoughts of how hard it would be if I had a stroke and could not be the dad I wanted to be for them.

Kids change everything. Before they came along I’ve always been ok with the fact that my time would be my time. If it ended prematurely, well, it would suck and it would be hard on some but ultimately I’ve had a good life and everyone left behind would survive. The thought of leaving my kids without a father at such a young age was extremely difficult to deal with prior to the surgery. In turn, thoughts of them when I regained consciousness and realized that everything had turned out well provided the source of indescribable relief.

Now they are my motivation more than ever. The need to get back to a level of fitness necessary to take care of them is what drives me to get better each day. The past few days have brought new challenges. I can’t pick them up. I’m totally dependent on others taking care of them and for this “hands on” dad who really does not like to relinquish control it has been hard to watch at times. Knowing I will not be with them for at least the next month plays hard on my mind although not nearly as hard as those tragic thoughts before surgery. I remind myself this is only temporary and I’ve made it through the worst part.

My daughter has been amazing, helping me with my medications and reminding me that I can’t pick her up because it will hurt my boo boo. I thought she would be relentless with asking me to go swimming in the hotel pool but instead she reminds me that doing so will only make my boo boo worse. When I’m in pain and she notices she gives me a hug and says “it will be OK daddy”
My little buddy seems to understand too. He’s furniture surfing and as he pulls himself up towards me he gives me a big smile as if to say “no need to pick me up dad, I’ll come to you”.

This next month is going to be hard!

For those of you coming into this little open heart surgery discussion a little late you can find all the posts easily by clicking on the Open Heart Surgery Labels at the bottom of this post or by clicking on the links under open heart surgery over on the right hand side of the blog. Those ones are listed in chronological order!

Proud Parents

I can't believe more than a week has gone by since my last post. I understand that in the blogging world leaving your blog for that long can have devastating effects on readership so it's my hope the 20 or so regular readers of this blog will quickly recover and cut me some slack! It's not like I've had my, you know what, up my you know what but, at the same time where do people like Angelo have the time to constantly post!

I struggled with the heading for this one since, although many specific things worthy of a comment have happened in the past 2 weeks, lately I've found myself thinking of my dad more than usual and specifically just how proud he would be if he were alive today. My mom was the one who told me yesterday I had better get back on my blog because it makes her feel more informed but thoughts of my dad go much deeper than just the difficulties with keeping in touch with friends and family over great distances.

For the past few months he has been at the forefront of my mind for many reasons not the least of which is the interview and resulting story that just came out in the September issue of Island Locator.
First, what parent wouldn't be proud to see their kid on the cover of a magazine! No it's not National Geographic (yet) but it's still pretty cool. Second, recounting the making of the DVD forced me to think of him more than I do on a daily basis. I agreed to be interviewed for the story when Alexie said she wanted to take a personal angle to the DVD and how it came about. I'm not going to ruin the story but The Underwater World of Saipan is dedicated to my father.

There is no doubt in my mind that the DVD would not be what it is if it were not for his death and that it simply would never have been possible in the first place without the support of both my parents throughout my life. They have always given me the courage and encouragement to follow my dreams and the feeling of safety to reach out and strive to make them reality.

As a new Dad I'm now just beginning to get a taste of what it feels like to be proud of your creation and one of the hardest things about my fathers death was that he was taken from this world quickly and before I had the opportunity to talk to him Dad to Dad! I have so many questions for him now that it is rare a day goes by without him entering my thoughts.

Perspectives change and having a kid is one of those major paradigm shifting events in life that compares to little else. Perhaps the death of a parent but even then there is sorrow and difficulty with looking to the future while the birth of your first born conjures thoughts of future possibilities, excitement, happiness, love and yes incredible apprehension. All the emotions that make life worth living.

In addition priorities change overnight. It's now all about making a better life for your child or in his case the four of us. I can only imagine what it must have felt like for him to hear his son was going to quit his job as a pharmacist and become a dive bum! He worked his entire life for the same company at many times in a capacity he was not overly happy with but he continued to do it for us and I will be forever grateful for his dedication to his family.

As I mention in the story I often thought he must have been disappointed or upset with my decision to throw away 7 years of university education but now I'm beginning to see how, on that night, being on his side of the conversation more likely conjured up all the emotions that make life worth living. Although there was sure to be plenty of apprehension there was also love, excitement and the thought of all the possibilities that come with watching your own creation follow their own dreams. I only wish he could have been here in person to see the fruit of his life long support and hear me saying "It's done, that's it, the final version - want to watch it again, - Dad wake up!

I'll always take solace in knowing my Mom, wife and my daughter (only days old) were all there to hear those words!

Miss you Dad.


Update May 2008
Here's the full article courtesy of Island Locator. Click on the photos to enlarge.





Photos by Mark Robertson.
Correction to the Turtle Photo - it's a Hawksbill turtle!