Sunday, September 14, 2008

Difficult Times Ahead

My world. Denise picked up the kids two days ago. We’ve only been away from them for about 3 weeks but it has seemed like an eternity. The changes in both of them are very noticeable. How is it possible for them to grow up so fast? While with them time flies, without them boredom sets in quickly.
The visit will be short. They’ll be heading off to Saipan tomorrow and I’ve got at least a month of recovery here before I can join them. Although definitely challenging at times, after all Morgan is 2 &1/2, these past 3 days have just reinforced what they mean to me. Prior to surgery they we’re definitely the source of the most worry. Thoughts of what would happen to them if I didn’t make it. Thoughts of what I would miss out on if I didn’t pull through or perhaps even worse thoughts of how hard it would be if I had a stroke and could not be the dad I wanted to be for them.

Kids change everything. Before they came along I’ve always been ok with the fact that my time would be my time. If it ended prematurely, well, it would suck and it would be hard on some but ultimately I’ve had a good life and everyone left behind would survive. The thought of leaving my kids without a father at such a young age was extremely difficult to deal with prior to the surgery. In turn, thoughts of them when I regained consciousness and realized that everything had turned out well provided the source of indescribable relief.

Now they are my motivation more than ever. The need to get back to a level of fitness necessary to take care of them is what drives me to get better each day. The past few days have brought new challenges. I can’t pick them up. I’m totally dependent on others taking care of them and for this “hands on” dad who really does not like to relinquish control it has been hard to watch at times. Knowing I will not be with them for at least the next month plays hard on my mind although not nearly as hard as those tragic thoughts before surgery. I remind myself this is only temporary and I’ve made it through the worst part.

My daughter has been amazing, helping me with my medications and reminding me that I can’t pick her up because it will hurt my boo boo. I thought she would be relentless with asking me to go swimming in the hotel pool but instead she reminds me that doing so will only make my boo boo worse. When I’m in pain and she notices she gives me a hug and says “it will be OK daddy”
My little buddy seems to understand too. He’s furniture surfing and as he pulls himself up towards me he gives me a big smile as if to say “no need to pick me up dad, I’ll come to you”.

This next month is going to be hard!

For those of you coming into this little open heart surgery discussion a little late you can find all the posts easily by clicking on the Open Heart Surgery Labels at the bottom of this post or by clicking on the links under open heart surgery over on the right hand side of the blog. Those ones are listed in chronological order!


bigsoxfan said...

I'm with you, Mike. I'm in San Diego picking up some loose ends which will enable Erdene's visa, while she and the lad slug through Mongolian winter. Albeit, they are away from the bad city air and last I checked I was pumping along with my orginal valves, but will I miss something, will he remember me? et al.. Keep with the program and you'll be back with them soon. At least, that's what I tell myself. Mark Scease

anymommy said...

They really do change everything, don't they. It is awesome to see you up and about and healthy. I'm sorry about the pain and hoping that every day is a little better. I can not WAIT to see you all in November.

Dede said...

Mike! I only now found my way to your blog -- unbelievable what you have been through. So very glad things went well. . . .Your last post about the kids and meaning they bring to your life certainly struck a chord. Our main occupation these days is gazing adoringly at wee Mimi and laughing at Julian's strange 4-year-old antics. Hope you are feeling better each day. love, Dede